secretive.

i was recently told i am a secretive person. and i would be lying to say i am not. honestly if you were in my shoes you may be secretive too. i mean the things i do not share are mostly past experiences and stuff that has gone on. the main reason i have for not talking about feelings and such is because i do not think anyone will understand a lot of things. and also i am always afraid of trusting people with stuff that is important to me and having it used against me or seeing that they really do not care. so i would rather keep secrets and let people think what they want about me than risk being hurt worse. i am not going to lie sometimes it is hard. but i think this is the way it has to be.

the last person i let in is probably the reason i will never be fully open with anyone. i told him everything. i hate to say it but he knows more about me than anyone. i guess certain people know more about certain subjects but he knows a little bit of everything. but instead of being supportive he used every single thing i told him against me. he used it to manipulate me or he just talked about some of the most important things to me like they were nothing to anyone that wanted to know. this is also the main reason i had such a time leaving him even when i knew he was so bad for me.

i remember one day he told me that he would be the only person that would ever love me for who i was. and it hurts every time i i think about that because a small part of me believes it.

the fact is that the past is history. i do not let it affect me now and i guess people can believe what they want. but i know who i am and who i want to be.