practice your faith.

lately i have spent a lot of time running away from God. but you can only run so long before you start getting tired and you have to slow down. and eventually you are just shuffling your feet on autopilot. but you can only run so far until you must stop. well i finally ran out of energy and had to stop. and what i found out is no matter how far i choose to run away from God he will always be right there. lately i have messed up a lot. it seems like i have committed almost every sin in the book. and its not that i am mad at God, its more like i am ashamed to face him. but not having a relationship with God doesn't work for me. without God i am depressed. without God i am feel lost. actually i don't feel lost, i am lost.

but what i finally accepted is right now when it feels like i have messed up everything God is exactly the thing i need. i was talking to this lady about why my life is going like this. and she told me that sometimes God needs you to shake you a little a little for you to bring you back to Him.

just because things may have not happened like i planned and even if i did mess up pretty bad doesn't mean i have to sabotage my relationship with Christ because forgiveness lies in his arms only. i guess i had the idea stuck head that sense i made some bad choices that automatically made me a horrible Christian so it didn't matter how i acted.

well i am going to change because i need to start practicing my faith. in the fall i finally recognized that God was calling me into being a Chaplain in the Army. it may sound weird but i just know that is what i am supposed to be doing. and the way i see it maybe me messing stuff up will help me be able to help people even more. who knows.

i am just going to take life one day at a time.

secretive.

i was recently told i am a secretive person. and i would be lying to say i am not. honestly if you were in my shoes you may be secretive too. i mean the things i do not share are mostly past experiences and stuff that has gone on. the main reason i have for not talking about feelings and such is because i do not think anyone will understand a lot of things. and also i am always afraid of trusting people with stuff that is important to me and having it used against me or seeing that they really do not care. so i would rather keep secrets and let people think what they want about me than risk being hurt worse. i am not going to lie sometimes it is hard. but i think this is the way it has to be.

the last person i let in is probably the reason i will never be fully open with anyone. i told him everything. i hate to say it but he knows more about me than anyone. i guess certain people know more about certain subjects but he knows a little bit of everything. but instead of being supportive he used every single thing i told him against me. he used it to manipulate me or he just talked about some of the most important things to me like they were nothing to anyone that wanted to know. this is also the main reason i had such a time leaving him even when i knew he was so bad for me.

i remember one day he told me that he would be the only person that would ever love me for who i was. and it hurts every time i i think about that because a small part of me believes it.

the fact is that the past is history. i do not let it affect me now and i guess people can believe what they want. but i know who i am and who i want to be.

hooah.

i hate that humans are judgmental. this movie came out called stop-loss and i felt it definitely made the military look horrible. and it just made me so sad because i love the military. some of the best people i know are in the military. some of the people i respect the most in the military. people in the army are not uneducated people, murders, rapists, PTSD nuts, wife beaters or anything like that. sure there are some that may be but it is the same with every single occupation. in my opinion people need to support the troops more. because they are fighting for us. they are the ones that are away from there families and putting their lives on the line. and i think that is one of the most admirable things ever. i don't think a lot of people understand this war and the media definitely has not helped raise the public opinion of it. everyone wants to bring our troops home. but it is unreasonable to think we can just pull all of them out of there over night. especially before the mission is done.

also i do not know how people can say they can still support the troops when they are so anti-war. because the troops are the ones that are engaging in combats. in many ways they are the war. without troops there would be no war. so that bothers me.

the point of this all is to just to express that you should not judge our armed forces. because they wake up everyday to fight for everyone. and they are just like everyone. they have families and they are not bad people. I LOVE THEM.

divine intervention.

so i am emotional again. church is like in 5 hours. the older i get the more i realize everything that god has done for me. whenever i try to write about the things that mean the most to me it is really hard because i just have no words. how do you express that there is something so powerful that can turn your whole life around.

basically from birth i felt like i was not good enough. it is hard knowing that the one person you would expect to make you feel needed would not take you back when given the chance. it is hard knowing that you were unwanted. you question what was wrong with you. ever since then i have had a really hard time letting anyone love or care about me. i always felt defective. life had always been a constant push and pull struggle in every relationship. i would admire people that cared for one else would leave me. it got to middle school and by that time i had developed a relationship with god. but so many things kept on seeming to bring me down. eventually i gave up and just wanted to be done. i reached a point where it felt like nobody would ever love me like i wanted them to. that it did not matter if i was popular because i still felt like i sucked. it didnt matter because there were too many other situatuons out there that reminded me how bad i was. so i hit the bottom. and every chance i got i dug myself a little deeper. i truly wanted to die so many days. i remember being at a youth conference and just crying to god to help me feel better. that i couldnt do it anymore. because i hurt so bad.

i told god that he had my life and please just show me what to do and i would do it. but i felt no response. i saw no burning bush. instead life seemed to just get worse. and at the age of 13 i decided that i wanted out. to save this blog from being to long i will skip alot of details. but i ended up going to this place called St. Cloud Children's Home. i remember the first few days i got there all i did was cry. but then people starting reaching out to me. i mostly just pushed them away. but eventually they got to me. my church never left my side. and great i am crying. but you will never know how much it means to know that someone still cares. i remember getting letters from people from church and they were one of my main motivations for not giving up. i really do not know if there is any way to even thank someone for saving me. but it was really god all along. it is just funny because some people will never know how much they affected my life.


lately i have felt god's calling on my life stronger than i have ever before. and it honestly brings me to tears. because nothing has ever seemed so right. because i would do anything to be able to effect one persons life the way mine has been. i would do anything to help someone realize how big gods love is. and i know that the church is my home. i was having a chat with one of the nco's in my unit. and he was saying how we have the power to influence people in every sphere of your life. and as you move up in the ranks you have the potiental to influence people. i think i have been too focused on getting to a spot where i can influence alot of people and have been blind to all the people god has all ready put in my path.

god is the only one that makes me happy. and this is where i sometimes run out of words. i can not see how people can run from god. when he offers so much love. if i prayed every second of the day i could never thank god enough. .

i kind of thought that it was "nerdy" or "lame" to be so into god stuff but i could careless.

i love everyone.

yes above is a picture of me and ann coulter. i have taken many beatings from my liberal friends for it. i was at a CPAC last weekend. it was a huge conservative convention. saw the bush, mccain, romney, the whole crew. i am conservative. please don't hurt me. but i am also open minded. and i love everyone. i think that is sometimes a problem. well i will try to explain. i try to be everyone's friend. and be on everyone's friend and understand everyone's side. i guess i just like being well rounded. and it helps me understand why i stand where i do. for example a few weeks ago i attended a CASH meeting...

it stands for Campus Atheist and Secular Humanist. i am not an atheist. i love jesus with all my heart. =) but i do not understand much about what it means to be an atheist or their views. and i really didnt know about secular humanist. at the meeting i learned alot. at first i was scared. cause this kid is like... HEY WE HAVE A THEIST AMONG US!!! and everyone looked at me. all 100 people. no lie.

i started sweating... but everyone was really nice. and accepting and actually they had alot of good points. it actually helped me grow alot in my faith. i came back to my room not questioning but thinking that i still have alot left to learn in my faith. because i still do have all the answers and i never will. because at the meeting i couldnt really answer alot of the questions. i wish i could have pulled jesus put of my pocket. and be like.. you tell them. haha.

i think alot of times christians are told to just surround themselves with christians. and i guess that is good when it comes to fellowship. and it does help you grow in your faith. but sometimes its good to break out of your christian friend bubble. just an idea. i think that is what jesus did. but i could be wrong....

and ann coulter is really nice. really...

youtube lesson.

this is going to sound odd. but i am crying over youtube. i'll try to explain. so most people have heard of chris crocker. most people know his name from the leave britney alone video that made him famous. but what people fail to see is that he is a person. if you do not like his videos that is one thing. but to attack him as a person is a totally separate thing. i understand that some people may not agree with his lifestyle choice but that does not give anyone the right to say some of the stuff they say. it just makes me so sad that people could do that. if people truly believe because you are gay you should get aids and die i think i am a bit sad to even live in this world. we are all humans. i admire chris crocker not be because of his videos although they are pretty cool. i admire him because he has the confidence to do something i could probably never do. to not conform to what is the "normal" thing. and not stop because of what people say. i do not do well with criticism. because i do care what people think of me. i tend to try to change to go along with what is the cool thing.

this may seem like a odd connection but i think this is exactly what jesus preached. jesus himself was ridiculed for his beliefs and torn down by even some of his so-called friends. jesus dared to be the different one. and as christians i believe this is what god calls us to do. to be different. to stand out. to be CHRIST like. to not care what people say about what we belief. we call ourselves christians. but i think we need to take it more seriously. we need to not just read the gospel, but start living it everyday. not just the days when it is easy. we need to reach out and show everyone that we are different because we have jesus. because there is more to life than what being what everyone wants us to be. and when it comes to this i am not the best example. i told myself i could not go into ministry because i did not want to be judged. and i do not do mean things but i do not always stand up for what is right. i am not perfect. sometimes i feel like one of the people sitting in the back of the courtroom just watching and not having a voice. but it is our job to be jesus's voice and to stand for him in a world that is full of hate and to spread his message of love. so maybe i need to stop typing and start talking. haha i am so lame.

the end.

men.

i decided that i am going to be single the rest of my life. because i do not want to get hurt anymore. i am tired of playing games. maybe someday a guy will come along that will treat me right and is everything i always wanted. i mean there are some guys i like but i am in not sure it is worth it to put myself out there again. another thing crossed my mind. maybe it is me that is not good enough. i just do not know anymore. i think i am just gonna see what is out there. i just do not want to get hurt. this time i managed to not get hurt. mostly because the whole situaton pissed me off. i am not going to be weak anymore. i am not going to settle. because i know there is someone. or i hope there is. really i guess god provides me all the love i need. but it would still be nice to have someone.