divine intervention.

so i am emotional again. church is like in 5 hours. the older i get the more i realize everything that god has done for me. whenever i try to write about the things that mean the most to me it is really hard because i just have no words. how do you express that there is something so powerful that can turn your whole life around.

basically from birth i felt like i was not good enough. it is hard knowing that the one person you would expect to make you feel needed would not take you back when given the chance. it is hard knowing that you were unwanted. you question what was wrong with you. ever since then i have had a really hard time letting anyone love or care about me. i always felt defective. life had always been a constant push and pull struggle in every relationship. i would admire people that cared for one else would leave me. it got to middle school and by that time i had developed a relationship with god. but so many things kept on seeming to bring me down. eventually i gave up and just wanted to be done. i reached a point where it felt like nobody would ever love me like i wanted them to. that it did not matter if i was popular because i still felt like i sucked. it didnt matter because there were too many other situatuons out there that reminded me how bad i was. so i hit the bottom. and every chance i got i dug myself a little deeper. i truly wanted to die so many days. i remember being at a youth conference and just crying to god to help me feel better. that i couldnt do it anymore. because i hurt so bad.

i told god that he had my life and please just show me what to do and i would do it. but i felt no response. i saw no burning bush. instead life seemed to just get worse. and at the age of 13 i decided that i wanted out. to save this blog from being to long i will skip alot of details. but i ended up going to this place called St. Cloud Children's Home. i remember the first few days i got there all i did was cry. but then people starting reaching out to me. i mostly just pushed them away. but eventually they got to me. my church never left my side. and great i am crying. but you will never know how much it means to know that someone still cares. i remember getting letters from people from church and they were one of my main motivations for not giving up. i really do not know if there is any way to even thank someone for saving me. but it was really god all along. it is just funny because some people will never know how much they affected my life.


lately i have felt god's calling on my life stronger than i have ever before. and it honestly brings me to tears. because nothing has ever seemed so right. because i would do anything to be able to effect one persons life the way mine has been. i would do anything to help someone realize how big gods love is. and i know that the church is my home. i was having a chat with one of the nco's in my unit. and he was saying how we have the power to influence people in every sphere of your life. and as you move up in the ranks you have the potiental to influence people. i think i have been too focused on getting to a spot where i can influence alot of people and have been blind to all the people god has all ready put in my path.

god is the only one that makes me happy. and this is where i sometimes run out of words. i can not see how people can run from god. when he offers so much love. if i prayed every second of the day i could never thank god enough. .

i kind of thought that it was "nerdy" or "lame" to be so into god stuff but i could careless.

i love everyone.

yes above is a picture of me and ann coulter. i have taken many beatings from my liberal friends for it. i was at a CPAC last weekend. it was a huge conservative convention. saw the bush, mccain, romney, the whole crew. i am conservative. please don't hurt me. but i am also open minded. and i love everyone. i think that is sometimes a problem. well i will try to explain. i try to be everyone's friend. and be on everyone's friend and understand everyone's side. i guess i just like being well rounded. and it helps me understand why i stand where i do. for example a few weeks ago i attended a CASH meeting...

it stands for Campus Atheist and Secular Humanist. i am not an atheist. i love jesus with all my heart. =) but i do not understand much about what it means to be an atheist or their views. and i really didnt know about secular humanist. at the meeting i learned alot. at first i was scared. cause this kid is like... HEY WE HAVE A THEIST AMONG US!!! and everyone looked at me. all 100 people. no lie.

i started sweating... but everyone was really nice. and accepting and actually they had alot of good points. it actually helped me grow alot in my faith. i came back to my room not questioning but thinking that i still have alot left to learn in my faith. because i still do have all the answers and i never will. because at the meeting i couldnt really answer alot of the questions. i wish i could have pulled jesus put of my pocket. and be like.. you tell them. haha.

i think alot of times christians are told to just surround themselves with christians. and i guess that is good when it comes to fellowship. and it does help you grow in your faith. but sometimes its good to break out of your christian friend bubble. just an idea. i think that is what jesus did. but i could be wrong....

and ann coulter is really nice. really...