men.

i decided that i am going to be single the rest of my life. because i do not want to get hurt anymore. i am tired of playing games. maybe someday a guy will come along that will treat me right and is everything i always wanted. i mean there are some guys i like but i am in not sure it is worth it to put myself out there again. another thing crossed my mind. maybe it is me that is not good enough. i just do not know anymore. i think i am just gonna see what is out there. i just do not want to get hurt. this time i managed to not get hurt. mostly because the whole situaton pissed me off. i am not going to be weak anymore. i am not going to settle. because i know there is someone. or i hope there is. really i guess god provides me all the love i need. but it would still be nice to have someone.

unattainable.

ten seconds ago it all came crashing down. many of my goals are out of my reach. not because i am not good enough. simple because in many ways i want perfection. and sometimes it feels so much easier to give up than to accept that things are not perfect. but in the end i may not end up anywhere if i keep on giving up when i realize that somehow i drifted from how from my original plan, or somehow i did i little worse than expected, or an unexpected change of plans.

relationships have always been hard for me. i was told never to settle. that i deserved the best. and to be picky and to make the guy want you. but the so called mr. right does not exist. and i have flaws so its not like i would be the perfect wife either. i want a relationship. but i do not want drama. i want to feel loved. not used and manipulated. because i think that is settling. its tough. i guess love just happens so i should not worry about it too much.