let go.

feelings are something i have always kept to myself. my life has had hard times from the start. i have blamed most of them on me. i have spent alot of my life looking back wishing i could have changed things. i have pushed away a lot of the people who prolly actually did care about me. i have told myself that i am not good enough to be loved by anyone. i just need to let it go. and move on.

so i have gone to church since i was little. ever since i can remember i have believed in god.but when i was 12 my life fell apart. some of the reasons were my fault and others were out of my control.

i hated myself. it seemed like my somewhat perfect life was over. that all my dreams were over. my life seemed pointless. then to top it off the people who were supposed to love me pushed me away. and i did not help the situation. i gave up. i gave up on everything. most of all i gave up on god. i felt betrayed that he too had left me.

having nowhere else to turn i decided to give god another chance. because the few people that were still around and that i semi-trusted were christians. i remember being told to let god back in my life. i remember how angry i would always get. saying that there was no way i was going back to all that god stuff. but i guess i did listen to them. so i started reading my bible again. i began to pray again. i started to listening to christian music. you know fake until you make it. and slowly things began to change. it is hard to explain. i finally had hope. i can truthfully say that if it were not for god i would not be here. god had always been there. i believe in god so much because i know he changes lives. i have witnessed his power first hand. and i now am trying to live my life as a servant of him. because i owe my life to him. and i will do anything for him. he is my best friend and i can not imagine living without him.

i have realized that church feels more like my home than anything. that it is the best family anyone could ever have. i remember also in eighth grade we would pray the serenity prayer everyday before dinner. i hated it but i always said it. looking back it makes so much sense. it is weird.

another thing that is hard for me right now is thinking about the future. ever since ninth grade i have felt like ministry is what i am supposed to be doing. the thing that stands in the way is that i can not understand why god would want me. cause i can think of a bunch of people that would do a way better job. so it is frustrating.

but to some it all up. what happened is over and i am going to keep it that way because it doesn't matter.